The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.
— Elie Wiesel
I am going to visit my daughter tomorrow. She is a featured actor in ‘Evie’s Waltz’ – the fall play being performed at her college. It is an unpublished play previously performed off-Broadway and in select theatres. Her college is one of the first colleges in the country to have permission to perform it. My daughter plays the bitter and resentful mother of a school shooter and gets to fire off zingers like, “I want to smother him in his sleep” (referring to her ‘son.’) This is the closing weekend and I’ve heard that this play, technically considered a comedy intended to generate conversation about a difficult social issue, has audience members walking out of the theatre weeping. I’ve heard that my normally sunny and optimistic daughter has shocked audience members with her supposedly accurate portrayal of a selfish, caustic, alcohol dependant woman.
In the past, my daughter has explained to me that she successfully portrays characters when she finds something – whether a situation, a circumstance, a feeling – to connect with. So… where did she connect with this woman she is currently playing? What circumstances, situation or emotion does she identify with that has allowed her to so realistically portray this woman?
Well, she was with me when I found out all of our money had disappeared. She was in the grocery store with me when I was trying to buy bread and milk on my payday and had my debit card declined. She was standing there when I called her dad and asked if his card had been stolen. She was there when I called the police and then the bank only to find out we had not been robbed. She was there when the banker told me that her father had hidden credit cards, had not paid, had gone to court and had received a judgement that every account associated with his social security number be levied. She was there when her father shrugged it off and claimed to have simply ‘forgotten’ to tell me. She was there when he asserted we were not broke because he had $40 cash in his pocket.
This happened two weeks before she was to leave for her first year of college. Her father and I no longer had money to pay our portion of her college tuition. Determined to not allow these circumstances to alter her college and career plans or force her into more debt than she was comfortable having, she got to work.
Currently, she works as a speaking consultant assisting international students with their English, assisting professors with the presentation of new materials and helping other students with presentations and job interview skills. She is Pillar Head of Programs and Special Events for her college speaking center. She supervises other students, represents her college at national conferences and has helped her college speaking center become one of the few certified speaking centers in the country. She teaches two to four Freshman seminar classes per week on public speaking, teamwork, presentations, effective discussion, interviewing for jobs etc. She works as a Barista at a local coffee shop. And, she is a telephone phone solicitor working as a professional fund-raiser for a charity. (So, if you get a telephone solicitor, please remember that the person on the other end of the phone hates calling you just as much as you hate that they called. Remember that person has a story – usually not a happy one. You can still hang up but be kind when you do it. It just might be my daughter, his son, her grandmother, their mother…)
My daughter is also adamant that she have the private liberal arts college experience she always dreamed of – membership in a sorority, participation in campus life and officer positions in college clubs and organizations. She is committed to completing her degree in four years and in getting the most for her money. At her flat fee school, that means she has taken between 19 and 21 credits per semester and, because I am already sort of bragging and I promise there is a point to this, she is a straight A/B student. She is a delightful, sunny and generally happy, hardworking young woman.
She is also extremely angry at her father. She does not want to see him. She does not want him to come to campus. She does not want to talk with him. She does not want to talk about him. She couldn’t care less about seeing him on breaks and holidays. She does not open any packages or letters he sends her and she does not return his phone calls or text messages. I am also angry / disappointed by her father. But… to see your child living with this hatred, this devastation and pain? It isn’t right. And, no matter what he has done or not done to me, he is still her father. He still has a right to a relationship with her. And, I know he loves her.
I took her out for coffee, to a safe, neutral place with no memories, no allegiances. I told her I understood her anger. I told her it was okay to be angry. But I also told her that I knew her dad loved her and that I hoped she could forgive him. I reminded her that the things he had done were between him and me, not her and him. I encouraged her to see him, to talk with him. Her response broke my heart into a million pieces.
She said, “Really? My father loves me? The man who, when I was four and B——- (her brother) was two, when he was supposed to be taking care of us while you went to classes, instead left us alone in our apartment for up to two hours at a time? I know it was that much time because we would watch three to four Barney shows while he was gone. That man loves me?
“The man who, when I made him a bookmark in school, grunted, said ‘Why did you give me something with glitter? I don’t even know what this is.’ and threw it in the garbage? That man loves me?
“The man who, when I asked him to take me to friends’ houses said, ‘I’m too busy, ask your mother?’ That man loves me?
“The man who, when you were in the hospital, left us at Grandma’s house and only came to eat dinner before leaving? The man who never talked with us about what was happening, who yelled at us when we asked about you, who never gave us a hug or offered to take us to see you? That man loves me?
“The man who, when I was making films refused to take me to shoots or production meetings? The man who said my films were all just girl stuff and that they made him uncomfortable? That man loves me?
(My daughter began directing, producing and editing social justice films at age 8. She began working with a nonprofit organization that met and completed their work at a well-known art college. She had several pieces screen in galleries and film festivals internationally and couple pieces commissioned. You can even check one of her films out of the local library. And at 15, she filmed a pilot TV show and guest blogged film reviews for the local modern art museum. She does not ‘do film’ any more, though. She does theatre – acting, directing, playwriting, play festival organization etc. Anyhoo…)
“The man who never came to a speech or debate tournament, who laughed when he was asked to volunteer for my things, who didn’t want anything to do with me unless we were doing things he likes to do? That man loves me?
“The man who has come to fewer plays and performances than my grandparents who live an hour away? The man who has never hugged me? The man who spends as much time with my brother as he can? The man who has never said ‘I love you’? Do you really, truly think that man loves me?”
I was speechless, stunned, devastated for her as she continued.
“You know, he almost did something nice for me once. Do you remember when I was thinking about biking across the country to call attention to human trafficking issues? Do you remember he sold one of his guns, his favorite gun, and he gave the money to me to put towards a new bike. He even drove me to the bike shop. We picked out this beautiful, amazing bike.”
I told her I remembered. After all, it had sat in the entryway of our house for two years, too special to be relegated to the garage or basement, but entirely untouched, never used.
“I hated that bike.” She explained. “I utterly despised it. As we were leaving the store, he told me that we were now even. I had talked to him a few weeks earlier about how hurt I was that he spent so much time, energy and money hunting and fishing with B——- and rarely even asked me how my day was. He didn’t say much at the time but as we were loading that bike in his truck to bring it home, he told me he had sold his gun to make up for all the time he hadn’t spent with me. He told me that now that I had that bike, I should be happy, that now I could go ride my bike when he was hanging out with my brother, and that now I had no right to complain. I wanted it kept in the entryway because every day I wanted him to see that and remember what he said to me. I don’t ride it because I hate what it was supposed to mean. You cannot possibly tell me that man loves me.
“That man told me I was not allowed to call you from college unless I also called him. That man told me that I owed it to him to treat him fairly. That man made jokes in front of my friends that suggested I was someone who would ‘entertain’ the entire football team. Don’t ever, ever try to tell me that man knows me. Don’t you dare even hint that he loves me. He isn’t capable of it. He is only capable of loving himself.”
So… how do you respond to a speech like this? How can you possibly tell your child, your child who has lived this out, how can you possibly tell her she is wrong?
You can’t.
And yesterday, perusing the blogs of my neighbors, when I ran across Confessions of a Ginger, this whole conversation came back to me.
And I remember, I know where the hatred, the bitterness and the resentfulness she displays when acting the part of a mother who hates her child comes from. I know the source of her inspiration (devastation.)
And, my heart is still broken in a million pieces.
For my daughter.
For the author of Confessions of a Ginger.
For the author of Graduate of Life Lessons.
For an Opinionated Man. (Yes, I’ve read your back story. I haven’t lived it but I get it.)
At the same time, when I see fathers (an Opinionated Man and JudahBloom and others) blogging about their families, publicly enraptured with their little girls, delighting in the person they are each becoming, I am devastated because my daughter never got to feel treasured and valued by a man she looked up to. At the same time, I am hopeful and grateful because there are at least two other little girls who will never, ever have to feel that way.
I am so sorry this got long. If you read this far, I really, really appreciate you sticking with it. It is just life.
It is part of my story, part of my daughter’s story.
It is my heart.
And, tomorrow, to some degree, I will get to watch it played out on stage.
Charl said:
I hadn’t realised this was pinged back, thank you! I really get what she feels, and I really get that you feel she was robbed of a father that she deserved, my mum feels exactly the same way, she is more bitter and resentful for the hurt he has put on me and my sister. But despite how resentful I sound in my letter, I’m not, I pity him that he never felt as if the world was enough, if two children who adored him once, was never enough, then he is looking for a life that is empty and not worth living.
Me? I have half a family that loves me… Okay the other paternal half might have disowned and brandished me as childish but I’m okay with tht … Because I am lucky enough to hve people that matter, and after all 1 close friend/family is better than multiple fake ones
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Terri said:
“I pity him that he never felt as if the world was enough, if two children who adored him once, was never enough, then he is looking for a life that is empty and not worth living.” That is exactly how she feels now. 🙂 She said what she said two years ago. But, it is something I will never forget. And your post made me think of her feelings. ❤ and peace to you and yours!
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Grief Happens said:
Reading this brought tears to my eyes, and I related to your daughter’s anger in ways that I’m not sure how to describe. Perhaps I’ll write about my feelings on my blog when I can wrap my head around the confusing emotions and present them in a coherent way. I’ll let you know. Hope you don’t mind if I share this and link to your site. You have an amazing daughter. She’s lucky to have you in her life. Thank you for sharing this — as a mother I’m sure her words were hard to hear, but what gift you offered by sitting with her pain and simply hearing her.
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Terri said:
Awwww.. thanks! I completely understand confusing emotions. And… I think it is sometimes okay to write about your feelings even when they aren’t coherent. You may get clarity from the writing process or by putting your writing aside for a while and re-visiting the raw emotion later. These sorts of things are tough! My daughter was very eloquent in her words but, yes, they cut to the core and there was absolutely nothing I could say to fix it. Being at that place is a terrible thing as a parent but even worse, is knowing that this happened and somehow you were blind to it, denied it, ignored it. She was being destroyed and I didn’t notice. Absolutely devestating. ❤ and peace to you and yours. Wishing (and praying, hope that's okay) for clarity and healing for you. Please let me know if you do write about it in a way you want to share. I'd love to hear your story.
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Pingback: interdependence | ronaldjameslowry
Terri said:
Thanks for the ping back! 🙂
(I am a tad confused, though. Are Jason Cushman (aka Opinionated Man) and Ronald James Lowry the same person? Or, is Ronald James Lowry simply an OM superfan? Thanks for clarifying. It’s good to know these things. 🙂 )
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meo..... laura said:
Welcome in my world terri
Marcello
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Terri said:
La tua poesia è bella . 😉
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meo..... laura said:
grazie terri
mas non è mia
marcello
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Terri said:
lol …. forse si dovrebbe scrivere alcuni. ; )
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Beth said:
When parents (either gender) fail in their duties, the result will usually be angry or bitter children. Divorce often cause children to harbor hatred for the party that abandoned them. Then we read about the unfortunate man in South Carolina, who was driven to murder his five children after his wife moved in with a neighbor, while she was pregnant with the fifth baby. She was so self-centered that she willingly gave up all her offspring to a hard working husband for the new relationship. Of course the daddy will have to pay, but what about the self-centered female breeder? Will she go free?
Then there is another daughter of a man who was a drunk and who was continually in trouble with the law. Note how this daughter harbors no bitterness about her derelict dad in “Prisoner’s Daughter.” http://holisticwayfarer.com/2014/07/07/the-prisoners-daughter/
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Terri said:
Thank you for commenting, Beth. That sounds like those poor kids were failed by the system (CPS) and were victims of mental illness in both parents (and, as I understand it, a grandparent.) How terribly and horribly tragic.
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thetruthisstrangerthanfiction said:
your openness about your life and family in this piece is very moving. Your daughter seems like she’s growing into a pretty amazing person, despite it all. Your story reminds me to make an extra effort to show my own daughter how much she means to me. Thank you for writing with such bravery and honesty.
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Terri said:
Please, please do. I don’t know how old she is but even if she balks or gets embarrassed or says ‘shut up’ or something, tell her anyway. Make a point to make your words match your actions and show her anyway. Do little things that add up to a bunch of great big things. Even if she doesn’t admit it, it will make a world of difference that you did. Peace!
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rachelcsquared said:
When I hear or read stories of fathers that do things like that to their kids I realize that perhaps I was lucky to have a father who just admitted outright that he wanted nothing to do with me. Although that sucks I think your daughter had it worse because she had a constant reminder of his shortcomings. At least for me it was out of sight out of mind. Sounds like her anger is justified but she’s not using it as a reason to give up. Don’t blame yourself, it sounds like she held it all in until what he did with regards to your finances became the straw that broke the camel’s back. Thanks for linking my blog 🙂
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Terri said:
And thank you for always sharing your heart. 😉
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Mona Gustafson Affinito said:
I don’t “like” the content of the story, but I like that you told it. Father’s are so important to both sons and daughters, but sometimes I think a loving, supportive father is even more important to daughters given the environment girls live in which still often treats them as second class citizens. More power to your daughter. She has enlisted her anger in a positive way. I wish her and you the very best.
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Terri said:
Thank you. I absolutely agree! I also think that mothers are just as important to their sons as fathers are to their daughters. There is a lot of attention given to cultural expectations of girls and women but I think there is also a lot of unrecognized pressure for men/boys. They are (IMHO) expected to either be a nerd, a jock, a womanizer or a brute. There really is no cultural expectation that they are fully human with a combination of traits / feelings. Relegating our sons to one of these categories is just as objectifying. I think we need to be careful to acknowledge this and make our homes a safe place for each family member to be fully themselves. I didn’t mean to rant. It’s just something I feel passionately about. ❤ Thanks for your comments!
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Mona Gustafson Affinito said:
Yes. I absolutely, totally, and objectively agree with you. I focused on daughters because she was the focus of your post and deserved to be the center of attention.
When I taught the psychology of women I used to point out that in many ways girls have it better than boys, given all the restrictions on guys. For example, little girls can generally play with trucks, or baby dolls,or anything in between. Boys from the beginning are so often taught to deny themselves by being and playing masculine and withholding emotions.
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http://theenglishprofessoratlarge.com said:
Fathers make that choice to either be one or not. My daughter’s father chose to distance himself. After the divorce, he didn’t see her for 30 years. He did not pay child support. He did not send Birthday cards or gifts. He did not send Christmas cards or gifts. She made the first move to see him when she was in her 30’s, and from then on they had mainly a telephone friendship. A couple of years ago, when he was very ill, she saw to it that he had hospice care until he died. He did not deserve any attention, but she has a forgiving nature. Your daughter owes her father absolutely nothing. From what she says, he has never been a father figure for her, preferring to play that role for her brother. She is an outstanding young lady, and I wish her blessings for happiness and success.
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Terri said:
How amazingly gracious of your daughter to do that for him. From what I know of people with this personality, I realize it is unlikely; however, I hope he understood what a magnanimous decision that was for her to make. Hopefully, your daughter is now living a blessed and contented life. Peace!
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muttering heart said:
Reblogged this on mutteringheart and commented:
Sheesh! And our daughter hasn’t seen or talked to her father for how many years now? All because he loves her and was acting like any father who loves their daughter would act as a father to a daughter, and for sticking up for his wife, her mother.
I know what it is like to be treated with such indifference… from my parents and now my daughter. I understand completely where your daughter is coming from (not mine though, for her father did all he could for his daughter and never begrudged her any of it.) May your daughter find peace within herself knowing it is not her fault for the way her father treated her… some people are just selfish brats no matter what age they become.
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Terri said:
I’m so sorry. I know other people who are also estranged from their parents for imagined, or what other people would think are insignificant things. It is terrible watching your child go through this rejection by a parent and can’t even fathom the pain that would come from having this rejection come from your child. Thanks for the reblog!
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muttering heart said:
Thank you for your kind words. It is the worst feeling in the world… rejection by your child.
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Terri said:
(I would ‘like’ that comment but I cannot possibly select that choice in appreciation of your comment… ❤ )
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leeleemaria said:
I have gone through some of what your daughter has. Different things but they provoked the same feelings. I am inspired to talk about what I went through now and in tears for your daughter. It is heart breaking. I applaud you for sharing this. Peace be with you and your daughter.
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Terri said:
Thank you so much. I am looking forward to your story! ❤ (And this story is one of the reasons why I loved your post about your daughter yesterday. 😉 .)
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leeleemaria said:
Well thank you. 🙂 and no problem. That’s was really good.
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Opinionated Man said:
Reblogged this on HarsH ReaLiTy and commented:
I appreciate the link back and that was a deep post. I liked it all… but (you knew there was a “but” right? But you did link it to me so I assume this part will be welcome) the part where you say ” He still has a right to a relationship with her.” Actually parents CAN give up that right and it sounds like he did. Really is on her terms now though isn’t it and that shows you who is in the right, because he has to “wait” on her approval to see her. I can understand the anger, I relate to the anger, I have that anger. It is what it is and hopefully that anger doesn’t become “who she is” and it doesn’t sound like it has. She sounds like she takes after you, a strong willed person. Thanks again for the kind words and for sending me the post. -OM
Note: Comments disabled here, please comment on their post.
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Terri said:
Absolutely! I linked back because it was part of the Blogging101 assignment – talking about how other people’s blogs have affected you etc. 🙂 And you are right. I cannot possibly listen to her say that, hear her experiences through her eyes (many of which I had no idea about until she told me this) and genuinely tell her he has a right to a relationship. I no longer think he does. She cannot possibly have a relationship with someone who has treated her like that. I still grieve though that she has missed that experience and that I was, apparently, blind to a lot of this stuff. It makes me as guilty as he is, keeping her there… Peace!
(And thanks for the reblog. It was very kind of you.)
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Opinionated Man said:
No worries and I did enjoy reading that. 🙂
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