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Blogging 101, Blogging101, cyber identity, ethics, family, journal, On line presence, relationships, story, writing
Some people golf to release stress. Some people eat. Some people shop. Some go running. Some garden. Some yell and scream. I write.
I have always, always processed my feelings, my thoughts and the things that happen in life through writing. It is how I make sense of the world. And, right now, it feels as if 10lbs of weight have been lifted from my shoulders simply from the telling, the writing of a part of my story. The problem is, this story does not belong solely to me. This story also belong to my daughter, to my son. It also belongs to their father.
When I started this blog, I did so fully intending to write about the rebuilding of my life, leaving shadows that merely hinted at what I’ve been through and the things I’ve dealt with. However, as I have worked to find myself, to find my voice, I have discovered that the some of the details of the past are intrinsically woven into the history of my future. I cannot be authentic and honest about where I am going without revealing where I gave been.
Yet, it is not only my story.
My children are not reading, will not read, have not been invited to read my blog. They understand I use it to vent, to process, to express myself, to search for my voice. They are okay with it as long as I do not use their real names. Likewise, I stay away from Tumblr because that is where my daughter vents. And she is free to say whatever she wants regardless of whether it is beautiful or ugly, flattering or devastating. It is the place where she vents, processes, expresses herself and hones her voice. My son processes things through his music and he nearly always shares. And he nearly always makes the ugliness in our lives beautiful. (Except the time he was really upset and composed a song entirely of tritones. But I digress…)
I have also not shared this blog with family or friends. However, a very good friend of mine, someone I greatly respect and is dear to my heart, ran across my blog. This friend read the whole thing and admonished me for it. My friend, who I do believe is sharing this opinion out of love and concern, encouraged me to remove all references to my children and their father as well as real photos of us. This friend believes that although it is truth, although it is my story, although the kids have said it is okay as long as I don’t use their names, one day they may not be okay with it. One day they may regret, be angry, upset that I have not only shared my story but have also shared theirs.
So, I ask you as experienced bloggers, as parents, as children, as people with stories who also process in writing, as teachers, psychologists and artists, as human beings to weigh in on this. I am not looking for validation. I am looking for truth and opinion. I am looking for stories and ideas.
How has your blog affected your relationships with your family and friends? How do you handle sharing stories of your life when they include other people? Do you use your own name to blog or do you use a different one? If this is something you struggle with or have a solution for, please weigh in.
Thank you so very much for reading & following my blog, for being part of the conversation, for being part of my cyber life. ❤
Write Out of the Darkness 
Thank you so much for raising this question, Terri! Right now, my older kids don’t seem to be too interested in what I’m posting (although Facebook is a totally different ball game: I have crossed the line there more than once, and I am grateful that they let me know it). I’ve only read a few of your posts so far, but what I have read seems very non-judgmental and carefully worded.
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I am not sure whether you have read articles from both my older blogs, but those were strictly impersonal, teaching topics. From time to time more recently I have shared a few things about my family or my husband’s family, all couched in anonymity. I do not want to embarrass anyone or be liable in case someone challenges my view of the events. My words have been from an honest heart and as kind as I know how to make them, but sometimes words can be misunderstood.
There are numerous blogs out there that focus on writing through grief. One in particular is from a father who lost his only son, a son who was handicapped from birth. His wife blogs too, but she writes fiction. Each to his own. Each one uses writing to give release and to “find a voice.”
There are also blogs and websites that talk about writing to learn. That would be the main reason for journals and diaries. I think Virginia Wolf’s diary was probably just as popular as her stories–actually more interesting to me. I think I probably find the writing to learn more my type than any other.
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I have only read your devotional posts. (And appreciate your service in India. I have friends who served for years as the Executive Director and Director of Operations of Truthseekers International. Additionally, several friends, my sister-in-law and nephew have all participated in foot washing events serving the Sudra and Dalit people.) I will have to look for your newer posts. 😉
I process through writing but could absolutely choose to use process my story (grief) through the use of a pseudonym. However, part of my decision to not completely hide my identity is a little complicated. I want to be truthful yet honoring in my words. I don’t want to embarrass anyone. However, out of respect for others, Christians don’t acknowledge our struggles, challenges, mistakes and successes. Sometimes, we hide the bad parts of our lives, worried about what people will say or think of us. As a result, a lot of people think Christianity (and the church) is only for people who have all their ducks in a row, who have everything put together. As a result, people think Christians will judge them for what has happened to them, or for choices they made in the past that were not God-honoring. (I know some Christians ARE judgmental, not loving but not all of us are! I also think there is a difference between making a judgment and being judgmental. Anyway…)
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard people say, “I would love to come to your church service /Bible Study/church event. I will come as soon as I figure out how to better manage my money, stop drinking so much, lose weight, get my marriage back together, straighten out my kid, read the Bible, stop smoking, etc.” I want people to know that Jesus is for broken people. Change happens after you receive Christ and allow him into your life, not before. I want people to know that when you become a Christian, it doesn’t mean that someone has waived a magic wand and suddenly your life is perfect. However, it does mean that you are not trying to fix it by yourself. You are not trying to redeem yourself and heal your heart all alone. In fact, your mistakes have already been paid for. You just have to live into that reality as you learn to walk with and through Christ.
I did speak with my pastor about sharing my story (not necessarily about on a blog per se but in terms of what to say when people ask or how to communicate with others who are curious about my life situation. A homeless woman with a nice car and nice clothes tends to garner a lot of attention / questions… 😉 ). I have shared nothing on this blog that I do not share in person. And, my pastor’s response was that as long as I am not sharing explicit details, as long as I stay factual and am not bitter/angry/blaming in the sharing of my story, it is fine to share the outline as I do. His comment was that “God’s light shines brightest through broken vessels.” But… I still wanted to check in and see what other people do on blogs. I never take criticism lightly and always, always examine it to determine if there is something I need to change.
Thank you so much for weighing in on this issue!
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I appreciate what you say here about our tendency to hide those ugly parts of our life–and I still struggle with what is appropriate and what falls more under the category of what my boss (who was an older German man) called “airing dirty linen in public.” I recently went to part of a weekend retreat called “No More Hiding”: the speaker, Kara Tippetts, is fighting cancer and blogs very openly about her life at http://mundanefaithfulness.com/. Sometimes I have wondered at her openness, but, having just finished her book, I see that being open is part of her testimony.
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Yes! That is exactly it. Without my story, my testimony falls flat and rings hollow. But the line is a fine one. It is hard to balance and falling off the line would have (I imagine) terrible consequences. I will definitely look at the blog you suggested. Thanks!
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I struggle with this. I’ve shared my blog on Facebook and use my real name. My husband reads it, as do my mom and my sister (among others). I’m grateful for their support and I like sharing things about myself that others might find surprising. I like revealing my true self through my blog, so I’ll continue to loosely use my identify without really publicizing it either.
I talk about my family on my blog, but when it comes to private things I only share revelations about myself. I have wounds that have shaped who I am that I don’t share, out of respect for the other people involved in those stories. Because I care about them and don’t want to damage those relationships.
But it makes my blog feel incomplete. I have so much more to say that I have to keep to myself, and it makes me feel censored.
Having said all that, I believe strongly that I have a right to share what I’ve experienced if I choose, and if I stay true to the FACTS it’s not a matter of ethics. It’s a matter of choice – MY choice.
Just a stranger’s two cents.
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“But it makes my blog feel incomplete. I have so much more to say that I have to keep to myself, and it makes me feel censored.”
That is it exactly!
(Although, I like what you do. Your story is being revealed like Yoga itself. You take what you do in your physical world and use it to learn, describe or reflect on a greater issue of consciousness. You take the everyday and use it to illustrate a greater truth or realization. In writing about the larger issues, the more general concepts, it could be anyone’s and everyone’s journey. Everyone can relate. And, you are just taking time to build trust and a repoire with your readers before allowing any more details out. Which is awesome! Yoga is known for a slower pace, for not rushing.
I know by putting my story out there, some people will relate. Like you, I am hoping that “if anyone out there can benefit from my experience, the tools I’ve gathered or the battles I’ve won, I want to make sure I pass something on.” And, that is what I thought I was doing. However, my friend’s admonishment made me doubt myself and my reasoning. It made me think that perhaps, I had hidden, subconscious nefarious reasons for sharing. It made me wonder if people were just following a train wreck. 😉
I don’t really talk about it in my blog because I am trying to get out of the darkness but… you aren’t the only one who struggles with anxiety. And, I momentarily fell back into the pit. I’m okay now, though. ❤ )
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!!
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I blog under a pen name (the one I use for writing my stories elsewhere), because there are certain things I’m not ready for my family to know about me. Like you, I process my thoughts, feelings, etc, through writing, it’s the way I’ve always been. But in the past few years, there have been things I’ve needed to get out there without my close family and friends knowing.
I keep them out of my blog though. Simply for the reason that I express myself through fiction more than anything and it doesn’t require it.motions, etc, (I can’t say that they aren’t represented in my fiction though – sometimes I need to vent, or express a feeling that wouldn’t be conducive to a good relationship with them).
We all need our private worlds, even on the very public internet. 🙂
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I love that! I wish I could do that, too. Unfortunately, I have to have all my own issues worked out before I start writing fiction (and a new NaNo season is almost here!!!) or all my characters start to sound angry, resentful, bitter – and that is just the good guys. 🙂
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I use my own name but my blogging topics are don’t portray people in a bad light. I do abbreviate my kid’s names just too give them a remnant of privacy. Family and friends read my blog. A lot have learned from the things i write when they thought all was well with me, I was really struggling so in that sense it has been quite insightful for them.
You may want to edit any details that could hurt them later, especially in reference to your kids if it were read ten years from now and they could find it unflattering.
Yet I would never dare suggest anyone stop writing. It benefits not only you as a therapeutic release but others who later read it and find they they are not alone in their experiences. I think we are inspired to write our words for a reason, that they may offer insight and hope to others.
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Thank you so much for your thoughts! Your words very much reflect the opinion expressed by my children.
My kids are 18 and 20 – old enough to have an opinion and to express it. And, I have great relationships with them both. They are absolutely always invited to talk with me about hard issues and to share their thoughts even if they are not flattering to me. In fact, they both have. And, I believe they would be honest with me about their feelings regarding my blog.
My son has said I can say whatever I want to as long as I do not reveal his real name; however, he does not use social media much and has only shared his story with his two closest friends. Accordingly, I will not likely share much regarding my son and his relationship with his dad. (Although they have shared interests and spend time in these activities, my son’s relationship with his dad is not even close to as rosy as my daughter thinks it is.)
My daughter has also said I can say whatever I want to as long as I do not reveal her real name. And, she let me know she has shared some details of her story, not just an outline, on social media. That being said, she writes with a pseudonym because she has had issues with her grandmother (her dad’s mom) cyber-stalking her. (Nothing dangerous, really. Her grandmother is just making poor choices in managing her own grief regarding the failures of our marriage.) My daughter shares her cyber identity (and her complete story) with her friends and relatives who she deems trustworthy (ie who won’t use the information to force relationships and actions she does not desire.) She also teaches 3 – 5 Freshmen Seminar classes each week on communication and public speaking using examples from her life and situation as illustrations. As such, I may share a bit more in relation to her.
After pondering and considering everyone’s comments over the weekend, I came to the conclusion that if I had young children, it would be different. I would need to protect them a little bit more; however, I will absolutely take your advice to “edit any details that could hurt them later, especially … if it were read ten years from now and they could find it unflattering.” I will continue to process and discover meaning here but will take care to limit venting to personal conversations with friends.
(And if you ever stop by my blog and feel I have crossed a line, am putting my kids at risk or am venting, please feel free to hold me accountable. Please call me on it!!! ❤ )
Thanks so much for weighing in!!!
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You are very welcome. I give it thought about what I choose to post especially regarding my youngest. Once we post something on the internet it is out there in some form of fashion forever. I would really not want words I’ve written to be a detriment to my kids years from now.
Peace to you! 🙂
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