This is something that I believe happens. Not all the time. Not with every believer. It is not guaranteed for even the most devoted follower. There is no spiritual package deal where you drop a big check into the offering plate on Sunday and then get FaceTime with God. If you convert three lost souls, you do not get a personal invitation to God’s Bible book signing. But sometimes, we get a nudge or a word and we just know.
I believe this wholeheartedly.
And, I believe that it has everything to do with Him, what He has done and is doing. It is never, ever about us.
And yet, I still hesitated. To be honest, it was because I had not personally heard from God regarding M and E.
His presence, His grace was my lifeline the past year in coping with my marriage issues. For the past year, I’d felt led by God time after time. Why was He speaking to K and B and not me? Had I done something wrong? Did I misinterpret how the dissolution of a relationship was to be played? Was tough love not the right thing to have done? How did the kids know it was from God? How exactly did I? How does one quantify this? How did they know it wasn’t just a thought coming of their own volition? Why isn’t there an ‘If A = B then C’ kind of formula for these things? Why does faith have to be so difficult? How did they know God wanted M. And E. to live with us? Maybe God just wanted us to help them find more permanent housing.
How did their situation become about me? (Oh, the pharisaical thoughts were prolific that day.)
A silent, prayer uttered from the book of Mark. “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.”
Certainly my heart was absolutely crushed for M and E. But already weighed down by my personal circumstances and new responsibilities, I was terrified about the idea of doubling my responsibility. I was terrified I would not be able to give them the stability they deserved. I was terrified that I would become only one in a long line of adults who failed them.
“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” – Psalm 34:4
An answer? … Maybe? … I was completely spent and I just didn’t know anymore.
I extracted myself from the ground. M and E were still intertwined on the sidewalk.
“Mooooommmm,” B urged trying to communicate the force of his opinion with his eyes as he nodded towards his friends.
“You have until Friday before you have to be out for sure, right?” I asked, hoping B would understand why I was about to do this.
E. nodded her head.
“Okay. So….We’ve got three days.” I confirmed. “I am so very, very sorry that this happened. I don’t have any answers or solutions right now but I do know that you are not going to have to sleep in a park. I do know that you are not going to have to do this alone this time. We will help you find somewhere safe. … What about if I take B home and we brainstorm ideas? Are you available to chat tomorrow?”
I looked over at B and mouthed, ‘it will be okay.’